Day12

Today started pretty much like yesterday. Except people seemed to notice how distant Miya and I became with one another. Rumors started spreading in our class. I heard some of my classmates talking about us just as I entered the classroom. They were talking near the door, so I assume Miya didn’t hear them talking. I acted as if I didn’t hear them and just proceeded to my chair.

Hitori arrived a couple minutes after I did. I called him and asked him for the necklace when he approached me.
“Eeh, sorry! Just a few more days!” he pleaded. “I’m still practicing on how to approach her. But I believe I’ll be ready soon,” he laughed.

I scratched my head, annoyed. Maybe I’m just taking out my feelings on him, I thought to myself. “Never mind,” I said as I calmed down. “I wish you luck on the journey you wish to embark upon. But be sure to give me back my light saber after you rescue the princess!” I joked.

Hitori laughed and went to his seat. Hitori is my best friend. He was supposed to be more important to me than someone I became close to just for a few months. I guess the reason I felt anger towards him was because I convinced myself he stole Miya away from me, which he did not.

I was also hesitant about going up to the roof after classes today. I knew I couldn’t go back to the days that have passed. Miya and I will not be as close as we were before. So was there any reason to go up there, and hope that I meet her there? Maybe I was just running away. Maybe I just came to my senses. I’m not sure what it was that I told myself that led me to my decision. But I went up to the school roof; the place where I fell in love with her.

Part of me wished not to see her up there. Part of me really wanted to meet up with her; to make friends with her. I cannot describe the feelings I felt when I opened the door. Maybe there’s really no word to describe it. Maybe even I didn’t know how I felt when I saw her there.

Miya turned to me. Her first expression told me she didn’t expect to see me there. But her expression changed. Her lips formed a small smile and her eyes told me she was happy to see me.

I struggled to form a smile. I don’t think I can ever show her a genuine smile anymore. I raised my hand and waved a little towards her, in an attempt to make her not notice how I really felt.

“I didn’t see you here yesterday,” she complained. Hearing her tone made me think that she didn’t feel sad or guilty at all; like everything was normal between as.

Though I didn’t want myself to, I know that deep within me, I wanted her to feel guilty or regretful of hurting my feelings. It was a very pathetic wish I would rather not have. But I cannot completely turn away from how I feel. The best I could do was to not show it.

“I’m still adjusting myself to school,” I said as I walked towards the handrail, evading her eyes. Folding my arms on the handrail, I continued, “I was used to not waking up so early that I had to go back home to take a nap after classes yesterday.”

I just gazed at the scenery in front of me. I was afraid to look at her for some reason.

“Oh, so that’s what it was,” her voice sounded relieved. She then giggled, “I was afraid you hated me or something, so you didn’t want to see me.”

I wanted to tell her a lie like I don’t go up there to see her but to enjoy the view; maybe tell her not to overestimate herself. But all that came out of my mouth was “Mmm…”

My mind wandered. Thinking of the past, of hypothetical situations, of the possible future, of what could’ve been, what might’ve been. Maybe I would’ve remained that way if she remained silent.

“Hey,” Miya called out. “Look at me…” she whispered in a shaky voice.

I did my best to hide any emotion I felt and turned a little towards her. But what I saw made me completely look her way. Tears fell from her eyes, while a smile shook on her lips. I could feel the pain she's been keeping within her just by looking at her. I should have seen it. It was still her who suffered the most.

It was so obvious, but my self-centered thoughts really got me convinced that she was the kind of person who could just destroy a person’s life without feeling anything. The memories of the times we spent in that place flashed in my mind. The things we talked about echoed in my head. She was the type of person who always worried about troubling others. She was the type to would sacrifice herself just to make it easier for someone. She was exactly in the position she hated to be in; hurting someone just to be with another.

I saw it all. How she caught herself thinking of somebody else while she was with me. How she tried to keep it from me. How much she tried to convince herself that she still loved me. How much she wondered whether to continue living a lie or become fair to both of us. How she would minimize the pain she leaves me. How she wanted me to make my final memories as her boyfriend to be happy ones. How she found herself unable to approach Hitori after everything. How hard she tried to hide her pain from everyone. How much it pained her to keep everything bottled up inside. Everything was reflected in the tears streaming down her cheek. I could see all her pain in her tear-filled eyes and the shaky smile she tried to keep on.

I approached her and held her head against my chest. A little twitch her head made told me this surprised her. I felt her weakly pushing me away. But this only made me hug her tighter.

“Don’t treat me so nicely. I don’t deserve it,” I heard her tingling voice whisper.

“Don’t be silly,” was all I could say. I felt like I'd cry myself if I tried saying anything more. I hated myself for all the feelings I’ve had against her in the past few days. I felt as if holding her like that would allow me to forgive myself for them.

“B-but-” she mumbled.

I didn’t want to let her say anything more as I know that every word from her will just hurt her more. “It’s okay, Miya. You don’t have to hold everything in anymore,” I whispered.

Miya began crying after that. “I’m so sorry…” she kept repeating these words as I held her.

I realized at that time how much I still loved her… I loved her so much…

Day11

Winter break has ended. The white blanket that once covered the whole city is pretty much gone. Nothing remained of it but a few puddles in the streets. The city is once again filled with people; from little children walking to school with backpacks on their back to the elderly people taking a walk.

I once again treaded on the familiar path towards my school. The memories I gained from the last semester lingered as dark blurred images in my mind. Chatters and laughter surrounded me and, at the same time, echoed from a distance. Arriving at the front gate of my school, I paused for a bit, as if to decide on whether to enter or not. Keeping my goals in mind, the answer was already clear. I took a deep breath and stepped into the rest of my life.

I held the handle of the classroom door, imagining myself entering a silent and dismal place. Opening the door brought me back to reality. Nothing really changed. Everyone was as lively as ever. No one can see or feel the emptiness I felt. A couple of them turned my way and gave me a nod, as if to greet me. I forced myself to smile a little smile and nodded back before they turned away. I glanced towards Miya’s seat, where I found her seemingly absorbed in a book she was reading. When I accidentally slammed the door, she jumped a bit and quickly turned to my direction. I raised my hand, in a pitiful attempt to wave at her. She smiled and waved back, before going back to her book.

Am I the only one feeling like this right now? I wondered. I glanced towards Hitori’s empty seat before going to my own.

Hitori arrived a few minutes later. Upon seeing him open the door, I turned my attention outside, looking at pretty much nothing.

Lunch time was back to before I got close to her. Miya stopped coming to eat with us. I had a feeling she might do so to get closer to Hitori, but I never even saw her looking his way.

I remained in my seat after classes. I’ve had mixed feelings about going up to the school roof. It wasn’t like I can’t look at her as a friend anymore. I went up there before we were even close to one another. I had no good reason why I shouldn’t go up. I guess I was just afraid of how we may act when together. I’ve always believed that it’s very easy to remain friends with someone who used to be your girlfriend unless you broke up through a fight. But I started believing otherwise. In the end, I couldn’t get myself to go up and just went home.